Original date of blog: June 10th, 2015
In the past, I’ve played several online games with lots of users. Some of those had clans, and in those that did have clans, I, one way or another, ended up leading them. I quit those games, and the clans, when the drama became too much and I couldn’t enjoy either clan or game or both anymore. Because, let’s face it, it’s just a game, and it should just be fun. When it stops being fun, it’s time to move on.
I do find that people take this game way too seriously. Some are obsessed with their stats and feel like a losing streak is a personal affront. They get so frustrated, that when they die, and the team didn’t do exactly what they want, they get very abusive verbally with their team. When you reach that point, you just need to quit playing for at least a few hours, and count to ten very slowly, whatever you need to do to calm yourself down.
I admit, I do my fair share of noob-calling when my team noobs completely, but I leave it at that, and lately I’ve been trying hard to not do it at all – only when someone gets abusive towards my team or me, do I respond, if I think they’re being an idiot. The biggest insult I use then is “I bet you use android”, which is something all players from before December 5th 2014 will understand. Nowadays, a lot of people don’t understand what I mean by that. Basically it’s just a fancy way for me to tell them I think they’re one of the players infected with the Noob-virus.
When I find I’m getting too frustrated, I know I need to stop playing, because that frustration will only make me play worse in the end. So I stop, for a few hours, a few days, as long as it takes until I can just relax and enjoy it again. I do the same when I get the feeling that I -need- to play. Because I never -need- to play. I can tank if I want to, but it should never feel like a necessity because that’s a sure sign you’re addicted, and once you’re addicted, it will take over your life. That’s not healthy. It’s just a game.
And it’s the same for the whole clan-business. Lately, it’s been taking up more and more of my time and energy, upto the point that it interferes with my real life. Not to mention the fact that some of the things I have to deal with are greatly frustrating me. I don’t mind it becoming busy and such, but it shouldn’t be a full time job – I already have one of those, and that pays me.
So we, or actually, I should say Chimp, have (has) decided that I need to delegate tasks. Now, it’s still relatively quiet, but come clan wars, things will get really busy, and we need to be prepared for it. Aside from that, Chimp is very good at realising what I need and at looking out for me. It’s one of the many reasons I’m so glad to have him as my co-leader of this clan.
But, delegating in itself takes a lot of time and energy, because it needs to be done properly, and explained properly, so people know what’s expected of them. And it turned out that the delegating was almost the final straw for me. I wrote out everything, in detail, stating the obvious and everything, to avoid questions and unclarity. And I ended up having to repeat everything I wrote out in private conversations all over again. Sometimes even twice.
It’s so frigging frustrating. Giving up control is a difficult thing for me to do to begin with, as I’m a ‘I’d better do it myself, because then I know it’ll be done right’ kind of person. And when I have to explain things two or three times because people just don’t read what I wrote, it makes me lose the trust I need to have in them. Trust that they’ll do a good job at the tasks handed to them. It’s hard to give that kind of trust, and it’s even harder to do it anew when the trust has disappeared once already.
The people that got tasks right now, were handpicked because we think they’d do well in those positions, and have the right mind-set for it. We didn’t do eenie-meenie-mini-mo to pick them. And when it’s those people that, instead of making it easier for me, just make it harder, I feel like I can’t depend on them to help me run this clan. I know I will again, most likely, but that will take time, and effort from their side. Once I see that they can handle the jobs given to them, I know I’ll find peace with the whole delegating-thing.
I don’t think people realised just how close I’ve come to just telling everyone to stuff it and just leaving the clan all together, just this monday. It should just be a game, and it should just be fun. But with all the frustration, and the little drama there’s been, it’s not been fun for me for the last couple of weeks. And I can only soldier on for so long. I confess, my real life has been very busy and stressed lately as well, which doesn’t help matters, but then, especially then, a game should be the last thing to add to those troubles.
And when I found out that something I’ve put many hours of work into will need to be redone because someone didn’t think it through clearly, I blew a fuse. I came so close to crying it worried me. It’s a frigging game. It should -never ever- have the power to make me cry. So I told the clan I would be unavailable for that evening, and yesterday, and would only get back into it today at the earliest. And that only because we had a contest that ended today.
But fact is, I don’t want to get back into it right now. I just want to stick my head in the sand like a good ostrich and hide, pretending I can’t see and pretending the world can’t see me. I’m not ready yet to give it my usual 110%, while the clan deserves nothing less than that. I feel fragile right now, vulnerable. And I don’t like that. Not over a game.
At the moment, there isn’t much choice but to get back into it, because things need to be done, and some things need to get fixed. Our clan is 70 members big right now. Of those, 57 are on the forum. Most don’t check the forum often, or at all, and need to be reminded of things using the message system in game. It takes about 20 minutes to copy/paste a message to every member of the clan, and that’s only if I took enough care not to use any words that the chat censures. And that’s not taking into account the reactions and questions back in turn that I need to reply to. And that’s just notifying people of something.
Currently, one member of our clan is ignoring me. I don’t care if you like me or not. Actually, of course I care, but if you don’t, there’s nothing I can do about it and it’s your choice. But ignoring me? Come on, what are you, ten years old? Grow the F up! At least have the decency to tell me to my face what the problem is, and what needs to be done to fix it.
I’m not making this blog-post public. Too much stuff in it that shouldn’t leave the Clan. But at the same time, I do feel I should post it. I mostly blog to vent my thoughts and feelings, and this is doing just that. At the same time, I think people should be aware of where I am right now, and why I’m being distant and don’t seem as involved as I usually do. And by doing it this way, it means people do not have to react and it will hopefully make them less uncomfortable than if I were to tell it in the chat, or as an official post kind of thing.
I want to end by just saying something more positive though. I don’t want to leave. Not the Clan, not the game. But I do need some space, to recover. Even if you are one of the people that’s part of the reason I feel this way right now, except for the one, I know you’re not doing it on purpose, and I don’t like you any less because of it. All frustrations aside, I do love this Clan, and its members. You’re all awesome in my eyes, as players, and as people. I love motherhenning all of you, and I love that you guys let me do it too. Because, given the fact we have all ages and nationalities in here, it’s not something I take for granted.