Back again

I knew I hadn’t been blogging for some time. I didn’t quite expect it to have been this long. But I did keep putting it off, and the more I did that, the harder it became to get back into it. Right now, I actually have no direction for this entry yet, but I’m forcing myself to sit down and to just start typing, so that in the end, I’ll get somewhere.

There’s so many things I could be writing about it, about the game, tournaments, tanks, events and whatnot. But in the end, I think I’ll make this a more personal entry. I think I owe whoever ends up reading this a bit of an explanation as to why this site of mine has been pretty much dead for the last four + something months. That’s a whole quarter year.

Obviously, a part of it is writer’s block. Sometimes, I have a subject in my head, but couldn’t find the words for it, and literally didn’t stopped after a few sentences. I actually started writing around ten blogs over time, but they never turned into something I liked, so I never actually posted them and ended up deleting them.

And writing this, I know I’m skirting the real reason I didn’t write much at all. For the last half year or so, I’ve been battling depression. Most people online wouldn’t have noticed it, because I’m very good at pretending to be smiles and not really going into how I’m doing. But for a time, I was doing really badly. And while I was in that state, the world passed me by. I wasn’t really paying attention to it, and I didn’t have the energy or the state of mind to deal with it much.

I’m doing a lot better now, I have accepted myself and my weaknesses. Life still gives me lemons, but I now feel confident enough to make lemonade from them. And the reason that I’m openly writing this and making myself vulnerable, is because depression should never be a hidden or shameful subject. The amount of people that actually get so awkward if you mention you’re depressed is amazing. They don’t know how to respond, don’t know how to react, so they start to ignore and avoid you. While basically all you need to do is say something as easy “I’m so sorry to hear that”. You don’t even have to offer a shoulder or anything like that. Most often, just acknowledging is enough.

Many people hide that they’re depressed – like I did for a time, especially online. Because when you’re depressed, it can feel so liberating to pretend that everything is fine, at least for a while. But then reality hits you and you feel even worse than before.

It wasn’t until mid January that I actually gathered the courage to tell my family, and my clan, how I felt. At the time, I was staying with my mother, because I didn’t trust myself to be alone at the time. Both my real life family and my online family knew me so well that they were there exactly in the way I needed them to be. I could talk to them whenever I wanted about anything, I would get a lot of hugs – real life and virtual – and they made me laugh again. But they didn’t push it, and they didn’t push me. They didn’t treat me with pity. They didn’t continuously breach the subject of what caused my depression. But they were there for me. Their silent support was exactly what I needed to get back on my feet again.

The way people handle depression differs per person. For me, I retreat, I cocoon, basically. I get quiet. I dive into books or series or movies to escape reality. But for the most part, I start looking at myself, and I work on myself. Basically, if you’re unhappy, you need to figure out what’s making you unhappy, and work on either changing that, or accepting that. That’s said way easier than it’s done, let me tell you that. I do believe that everyone can do it though.

In my case, it was acceptance I needed to work on. There are some things in my life that are really not how I want them at the moment, and changing them isn’t in my power – yet. So all I can do is accept them as they are, and to be ready to move when they do change and I can change with them. That sounds really cryptically, but it’s the literal case.

One, and it’s by far the biggest one, thing that’s dragging me down is my housing situation. But I literally don’t have the funds to get out of it right now. So I have to wait until I do, or until social housing pulls through. And that’s very frustrating. But I have the luxury that all the things that were making me depressed were purely material. And in the end, it will be okay. So I just need to hang on, and wait.

And while I was feeling down, I couldn’t write. And when I could, I didn’t feel right not saying anything, and kept getting stuck on subjects, so kept putting it off. So here you are, a blog about depression rather than the game itself.

A few weeks ago, I was on holiday in Sweden, to visit my sisters (two of the three live there). It was so relaxing, exactly what I needed. One of the things we did was go to the Imagine Dragons concert in Stockholm, together. The lead-singer, Dan, at some point between songs talked about depression, and about Avicii, who recently took his own life. The speech he held was inspirational, and it definitely hit home.

A guy in his position can reach so many people, and I think what he said will help a lot of people feel comfortable enough to talk about how they feel and to seek help should they need to. Just him saying that it should be possible to talk about it, means a lot to a lot of people.

This ‘short’ depression wasn’t the first one I’ve battled in my life. Between my 14th year on this world until somewhere in my 21st, I was depressed. I would wear only black, write and draw very dark things, have very dark thoughts. And I did nearly step out of life back then too. But I had the sense to call my father instead of actually doing that, and I’m still grateful I did. From that conscious decision of wanting to live, things got better and I eventually got out of that crevice.

There are thousands of reasons that can cause depression, and for each person, it will be something different, and the solution will be different. Regardless of what you might think, you are not worthless. You’re a beautiful individual and you deserve to live, and to be accepted as you are.

If you ever need a listening ear, advice, or want me to spam you with cat-pictures to make you smile, feel free to contact me. Sometimes, a complete stranger, that’s far removed from the whole situation, can make all the difference for you, and can help get you through it.

And most importantly – it will be alright. Whatever it is, it will be alright. Keep your eyes open, see the good in this world too, the things that make you smile, that make you happy. It can be anything from the weather, to ladybirds in my case, to your pets, your family, a stoopid online game, etc. This is difficult, especially in the beginning, but it helps you move on, and to re-find your smile.

So if you’re reading this, hang in there. I made it through, and so will you. ❤

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